Killing Me Softly
by RobinsInNeedOfAWorkOut
Summary: "I've got nothing to loose." Lily certainly thought as much. And then there's the fact that morality can be thrown away for what there is to gain.


**Killing Me Softly**

_Chapter 1_

Telling My Whole Life

**Disclaimer: Pftt. I'm not writing about Harry Potter. I am just writing about a young bespectacled wizard's parents who go to a magic school. (I was lying about the first part, by the way. If you couldn't tell. Don't Sue! Only Mary.)**

~.oOo.~

_It's a common saying. In fact, I've heard it myself countless times. It's been repeated by the Defense professor; then put in smaller words by the dentist. Maybe anticipation is always the greater wound. I think from this advice, though, I'll mostly contradict. _

It was a shabby house, cobwebs and creaky floorboards—a horror movie residence in its entirety. And such a presence was not at all forsaken. Rather, it made those nightmares every night all the more frightening. The rustic furnishing seemed to only magnify the effect.

Lily had learned to ignore that atmosphere over the many years, but her heart was not without moral consciousness for what an effect that had in otherwise situations. And so, she held silent vigil for the body sobbing on the overstuffed mattress in front of her. Any consolation was out of the picture—Petunia might have been crying, but she wasn't weak. Her pride far overpowered her loneliness. It was only to blame Lily for leaving her a majority of the year—that and how Petunia was not given the privilege as well. It might have been better had they called the coppers, but fear had great restrictions.

"Petunia."

A red-eyed glare answered Lily's call. It was already far past midnight, and Lily sat close to her sister, the most comfort she was allowed to share with the girl. However, Lily knew (but could not voice these thoughts) that had she not been there, Petunia would have been worse for it.

There were large swells on her cheek, a spot of blood at her forehead. Lily winced at the wounds, though it was a useless exercise as she'd the same injuries. She knelt down by the woman, bringing a wet cloth along with her. She gently dabbed at the wounds with alcohol as Petunia spat out curses. It was routine, so there were no bitter feelings.

The moon was an eerie glow in the obscurity which cloaked Lily's home, if that was a reasonable enough thing to call it. Night dragged on, and Petunia's sobs persisted with desperation. Lily tended to her sister before evacuating her room of all belongings and putting them into a simple, splintered cedar wood trunk.

oOoOoOo

King's Cross Station was a heavily populated system of commute, as it had been for the past twenty years or so. The noise and cacophony of cheerful chatter pounded in Lily's ears, and head; of course, none of this was muffled by the overenthusiastic grin plastered on her face.

"Lily! I've missed you so much!" A voice suddenly added to the jumble as a body came rushing towards her, squeezing away what little life she managed to pull together. A beautiful set of pearly whites and cosmetically straightened locks of chestnut met her eyes as the girl pulled back from the embrace.

"Delia!" Lily's smile matched the brunette's and she gave Delia another hug. So there was that warm little feeling you were supposed to get when curing nostalgia. Lily looked happily at her friend as hordes of people ventured to enter the platform. Then her head turned a slight to the left, where another girl was standing. Looking far too displeased to satisfy any doubts, Hazelle Adams had crossed her arms, looking at the clock over her shoulder and tapping her foot in impatience. Lily frowned.

"Hazelle."

"Can we go now?" the girl whined to Delia, already tugging her back to the platform. Delia looked back at the clock, seeing that its hand was close to hitting eleven.

"We should be leaving," Delia said, turning to Lily. She allowed Hazelle to pull her back onto nine and three-quarters. As they passed through the barrier, she looked back at Lily, "We'll be at compartment three!"

Lily watched as Delia's body was pulled through the seemingly tangible bricks. Looking back at the luggage behind her, Lily sighed. Body-builders really did have some sense underneath all the muscle.

The train stood proudly in a glory of mahogany paint and steam blowing from its engine. Lily struggled with her things, hearing the loud chimes of the bells signaling the Hogwarts Express' departure. Thankfully, the platform was empty leave for the parents tearfully waving the children farewell. She hurried to the train, feeling scarlet locks of hair fall into her face as she attempted to lift her luggage onto the floor of the train. She sat down wearily while the train lurched forward. It was time for the last voyage to Hogwarts. It was a pity, thought the seventh year Gryffindor. The school was a place of dreams and happiness, almost like a fairytale one might say.

Lily slowly stood, brushing off her muggle jeans and pulling her trunk and school bag to compartment three, where Delia had told. Opening the door, she saw the two girls sitting and distributing a large stash of food between themselves.

"Lily!" Delia shouted when she saw the red head standing by the door. Beckoning her forward, Delia dumped a bucket load of such sweets and sandwiches in front of her.

"Okay, your turn," Delia grinned at her, "Make it good. It's our last time."

"Oh, right," Lily said, remembering this tradition of trading candies that had started in second year when none of them had liked the food they were packed. She looked behind her for her school bag, and then she brought out a measly supply of: two small Deckers, beans on toast, and a few Yorkies. She tried to smile back as Delia laughed at this small sacrifice on her part, but it was terribly obvious that she was indeed as indifferent to this matter as said her face.

"Lily? What's wrong?" Delia asked, stopping her laughter immediately.

"What?" Lily asked, shaken out of her fake grin. Was it wrong to see simply nothing amusing about not being able to afford more? Of course, she wouldn't voice that.

"Did something happen over the summer?" Delia asked, looking down at Lily's miniscule candy supply, in addition to taking note of her dull experssion. Lily shook her head.

"We were in Vienna the whole time—I just didn't have time to stop for any good candy bars. I'm not really one for Austrian sweets."

Delia nodded her head, but Hazelle was quick to throw in, "You couldn't have at least stopped in London this week? You don't need to just take our food—"

"Well, _guess what_," Lily said, eyes narrowing and hand slowly reaching for her wand.

"_Lily_," Delia warned.

Lily sighed, knowing better than to argue against her adamant friend. She instead went to the ever so appealing changing of subjects.

"Well, Petunia just—"

"Oh! I forgot to tell you. Marcus Densworth _completely_—" Lily braced herself for Delia's gossip, a field to which her friend was very talented. It was the interruption to this that Lily accepted with relief.

A loud voice suddenly broke through the statement, echoing through the train's speakers, "We need Lily Evans to the Heads Compartment."

Lily jolted at the sound of her name. She winced; she had forgotten that she was supposed to be conversing with the Head Boy and the Prefects.

"You're Head Girl?" Delia asked as Lily bustled about to find her things.

"Yeah, er, I have to go now," Lily said, running to the hallway.

The Heads Compartment was only a small walk away, being placed strategically at the front of the train where one had a good view of the rest of the large vehicle. She clumsily opened the door of the compartment with her shoulder, meanwhile attempting to pin her Head Girl badge onto her jumper—robes could just come later. As she stumbled in, she found the entire compartment staring at her.

"So, there's the Head Girl," said the Head Boy, after an awkward pause. James Potter was as well a Gryffindor, and he had been in Lily's classes since first year, so she knew him well enough.

"Hi," Lily smiled warily. James walked closer to her and whispered, "I just started explaining patrols." Lily nodded, running up to the miniature podium in front of the Prefects. She saw James put away her trunk and made a mental note to thank him as she began talking.

"Sorry I'm late everyone. I had business with a few classmates," twisting the truth was never outlawed, "So as James had explained earlier, you all will have weekly patrols. You and another prefect, likely from the same house, will be allowed outside your Common Rooms after hours to cover the castle and a majority of the grounds. This is to assure that all of the rules are being met. There will occasionally be someone—a teacher or James and me—out to see if you are doing your job correctly. As for your other jobs, an older Prefect's name will be on each House's bulletin. You may ask them whatever, and they will help you as much as they are able. I think that will conclude this meeting," she ended awkwardly, looking back at James to see if there was anything else to include, but he shook his head, indicating that she'd forgotten something.

"Oh, and I'll need you to start your patrols on the train. The list will be passed around," Lily said, looking back to see James hand out the sheet. Slowly, as the names were passed around, the prefects left the Heads Compartment, chairs vanishing as they did. Finally, a small fifth year Ravenclaw wandered up Lily.

"H-here's the list," she said, small eyes looking up beneath her fringe.

"Thank you, Emily," Lily smiled at the girl. She ran out the door as soon as it was out of her hands, slightly intimidated by being left with only the two seventh years.

Lily turned around, finding James sitting down and looking over a few papers. The Heads Compartment was far nicer than any other, having a table, a fully stocked cool box, and an overall nicer furnishing. It was at this table that Lily finally noticed all the work (which translated into many scrolls of parchment) she and James needed to go through. Stifling a groan, she sat next to him.

"Hello James," she said to her classmate.

"Hello Lily," James said, nodding to her before going back to the work. They knew each other fairly well, being in the same house; however, a conversation between the two was rare.

"Dumbledore says that the first thing we need to do is decide a patrol schedule," he said, motioning towards a blank piece of parchment.

"Do you think we should order it by year? Put the fifth years first so they'll learn how to do it sooner?" She sat down next to him, placing the list of names on the table.

It was a simple task, choosing by random which pair of Prefects would patrol after narrowing it down to year. They filed it away in a small cabinet that sent the scrolls back to the castle.

"Is there anything else we need to do?" Lily asked once James had put the parchment in its designated folder.

"It's mostly trivial," James said, sweeping his hand through his hair as many boys were accustomed to doing, "Hogsmeade outings, menus for feasts—nothing we should be bothered with now." Lily nodded, sitting next to him. They sat silently for a few seconds, and the lack of decent conversation was almost suffocating.

"I daresay it'll rain tonight," Lily mused, looking at the clouds gathering outside. James followed her gaze before expressing sympathy for the first years who would be forced to venture across the lake for their first trip to Hogwarts.

"Oh, Dumbledore left a letter for the two of us," James remembered, an obvious relief flooding his face about being given something else to talk about to fill the awkward silence between the two.

"Hm?"

"Yes, he says we'll have our own quarters. That means, our own Common Room and dormitories…separate of course," he said, scanning the letter to see what else he needed to relay to her.

"The password is," here he squinted at the parchment, "_Vox Vocis._"

Lily nodded to him once, shifting in her seat.

"So, do we go back to our compartments now?" Lily asked, looking at the tall boy next to her.

"Actually, Dumbledore said we needed to stay in here in case any of the Prefects had any questions or problems during patrols."

"Oh," said Lily, silently cursing her luck—what would they do the whole train ride? Then she looked down at herself and realized something.

"Er, I still have to get dressed…" she looked at James expectantly, hoping he'd volunteer to leave as she wasn't prepared to change in front of Delia and Hazelle.

"I can just step outside then, if you want," he said, getting up and leaving the compartment. Lily ran up to the curtains by the door, drawing them closed for extra assurance even though she could see James' back. After performing this extra practice, she leaned against the wall, closing her eyes—preparing herself for something unpleasant. She then picked herself up and slowly peeled off her jumper, wincing as it rubbed against her skin. She quickly disposed of the garment, throwing it into her trunk. Her arms were littered with bruises and partially healed cuts. She had the same results for the rest of her body. She quickly threw on the skirt, white button-up shirt with a Gryffindor emblem, long white socks, and black robes that comprised the Hogwarts uniform. Closing her trunk with a heavy metal lock, she ran back to the door.

James was leaning against the wall, looking at the ceiling and muttering the ABCs in hushed tones.

"Hey," she said to get his attention. He turned his head, "You're done?" She nodded and he followed her back into the compartment for what would possibly be an extremely silent train ride.

oOoOoOo

The Heads Common Room was beautiful, giving off an antique sense of mystique. A bookshelf lined the left wall, filled with dusty tomes and other famous literatures. The plush couch sat in front of a fire which had already been lit, presumably by a house elf. James had already gone to his dormitory, as had Lily before sneaking back down.

The Beginning of the Year Feast had passed a week earlier, and school had started out fine. James and she had a few friendly conversations discussing Heads' duties; Delia was a lovable friend, though it became increasingly harder to talk to her, being from different houses and being occupied studying for N.E.W.T level classes; Hazelle was at least consistent, always being there when Delia was. It felt just as seventh year should. Nights, however were entirely different.

It was far too quiet. Each footstep she took was an audible one. Lily constantly stopped in fright and looked behind her at James' room when she heard sounds mimicking footsteps. The fire and the moon seemed to synchronize a haunting impression which sent chills to her stomach.

She had nothing with her except for a heavy leather book. It was a battered up thing and Lily was forced to use both hands to keep pages from flying about. She walked slowly to the entrance of the Common Room, and it let her through without a comment. It was an upside to having a statue guard the room instead of a portrait. However, there was a fair share of portraits lining the hallways. She made her way through the hallways, shying away from the knights in armor by the sides of the corridor. She looked up, finally, at the magnificent entrance hall doors, wondering how she could open them without giving a notice to every person in the castle.

The night was silent, and the wind gave a large gust in her face, making the loose pages of the book fly everywhere. Lily clung onto the book, running around after each page as it was tossed around. She was at last able to grab the last piece of paper and run outside before anything else could happen.

It was a terribly cold night doubled with rain, which was unfortunate as Lily was wearing only thin cotton nightwear, but it was bearable so she traversed on. She easily found a place in the Forbidden Forest. The Forbidden Forest was not at all a pleasant one. The trees were black and lifeless, branches reaching out feebly and twisting within each other. And even as she travelled deep into the forest, these branches provided little shelter from the downpour. Lily sat down onto the leafy ground, opening the large book carefully. The trees did at least shield her from the wind.

"Lumos," she said in hushed tones, for in this atmosphere, it felt necessary. She bent down closer to the old and worn pages, eyes squinting to read in the wand light.

oOoOoOo

"_LILY!" _

_A seventeen year old Lily cowered by her drawer, tensing up immediately as she heard the gruff voice from downstairs. Petunia sat across from her, looking up with pity. Lily paid no attention to that, though. Time was smarter spent in thinking how to escape. She left the room and walked slowly down the stairs but fast enough that he wouldn't get angry. He was standing at the bottom, just outside of the kitchen, fury lacing his features. _

_Lily stood stiffly halfway, not willing to risk going all the way to his side. _

"_Yes?" She asked timidly, looking anywhere but the man standing in front of her. _

"_We have talked about your curfew, haven't we?" He said, glaring at her with an almost frightening intensity. Lily nodded her head, arms wrapped tightly around herself by now. _

"_Then WHY did you sneak out last night?" Suddenly, an empty bottle came flying towards her, smashing into tiny glass shards after hitting her raised arms. Many of these embedded themselves into her arms, a few into her neck and cheeks. The impact threw her back, leaving her to fall down on the carpeted stairs. _

"_Did you think I wouldn't know? Do you think you can SNEAK BEHIND MY BACK?" He walked up a few steps. Lily shivered with fright. There was no human in this man. He was a monster. _

"_Stop," she said quietly, tears doused with hatred falling down her face. She still hadn't gotten used to this, every summer since second year had ended. _

"_Why should I?" He scorned her._

_"It's not as if you could hurt me. You can't," he spat._

_"And you never will be able to."_

_Lily's eyes narrowed behind her bloodred hair as her heart pounded. 'Can't hurt me.' She could feel her own pain clearly, and it only fueled her. Each cut on her neck, each bruise on her arm, each tear at her heart. And all he had to bear was a small hangover in the morning. _

'_And you'll never be able to'—she spent years of going through this. Years of torture, abuse, pain, and she couldn't return the favor? To make him hurt. To keep him alive for as long as she wished and to make him hurt every second. As much as he had hurt her, more._

_Her tears were still there, merely superficial. She no longer felt any sorrow. Merely hatred—pure, unfiltered revulsion. Her fingers curled, grasping at the messy carpet layering the stairs, and she stood up.  
__ 'You can't hurt me.' It rung through her head. She could hear it; she could feel the words of that beast. She could feel the glass vanish, the blood retreat, the cuts heal. She could feel a magical power far stronger than she'd ever felt before. This was power. _

_Lily looked down as her father collapsed and as she felt even stronger. Then suddenly, it ended, and she fell down as well. She gasped, sweat forming at her brow. What had she done? _

_Seventh year had begun soon enough, and it was the morning after arriving by train. It was still very early, the sun just barely showing from behind the horizon. Lily, of course, had awoken early—as she was accustomed to doing—and headed immediately to the library. Memories of what had happened only a few days earlier were still fresh in her mind. She was more than happy to realize that the Head Girl got all kinds of exceptions. _

"_Madame Pince," Lily called to the woman._

_The beady-eyed librarian turned around, "Yes Lily?" _

"_I need to see a book in the restricted section really quickly for something I never got to ask Professor Vander last year." _

"_Oh dear, didn't you see at the feast? Professor Vander isn't here anymore, unfortunate banshee attack this summer, poor thing." Lily fought the urge to roll her eyes. _

"_Oh, of course. But I wanted to see if the new Professor would know of that. It was a pretty basic question." _

"_Oh, then go dear!" Madame Pince exclaimed, waving her off before going back to closely inspecting the library catalogue. Lily rushed to the restricted section. She shuffled between a few old books, all which looked the same. Finally, her fingers rested on the leather spine of the one she sought. Pulling it out quickly, she sat down, flipping through the crinkled pages. There it was. _

_**Blackeste Magicks **_

___Section V _

_ Chapter XII _

_Whilst magick can be drawed from various hostse, the stronger source shall be from _

_ Thyself. It is, therefore, probabale to think that it is a greater logick to takest _

_ Such magicks from a separate being, and thou shallst add this to whatever is _

_ Alraedy gaind from your own powere. _

_Thou canst not be hindered from obstacals be they any subconscious guilts as affections _

_ Doubts nary even the soul if be there no outlets, these magicks will not find _

_ Escape. And to not bother thyself with forsite. _

_In his ordo est ordinem non servare. _

_What followed this was a great collection of illegible figures, something Lily knew she'd need to use her Ancient Runes textbook for. However, it seemed to detail exactly what she needed. She'd learned under magic theory that magic was strongest when pulled from a living being, which showed why one could overcome most potions (power drawn from sources aside from humans) with Occlumency or other means. So, it really did make sense to take magic from other people—to grow stronger. But to accomplish this through an absence of love and common sense? And truly, what it said was that the only way to achieve such a power was to tear holes in the soul. _

_ Lily furrowed her eyebrows, looking down at the book. The library was silent, but she could hear a few people start to head down to the Great Hall for breakfast. The sun had raised some more and she saw the dust particles drifting in the air, illuminated by the sunlight. The smell of old books seemed to be most concentrated here in the Restricted Section, where people rarely treaded. _

_All this escaped her thoughts, though. One thing was prevalent. Would she ever be able to allow herself to practice this "Blackeste Magick?" _

oOoOoOo

Thunder struck the sky once more, and rain come down in torrents. Lily shivered, using her body to shield the book.

_And withe each sacrifise, an act of devotion must be made._

Lily took out a small dagger, a Royal Azel embedded into its pommel. Her hands shook, but there were no doubts. Bringing it slowly to her forearm, she let the tip run softly along pale skin. The incessantly arriving drops of cold rain dulled out any pain she might have felt as she saw blood leak out of the cut.

Lily held her arm to a small stone basin that she'd drawn out from one of her pockets, letting it drip into the container. Pointing her wand to the basin, she whispered.

"_Sanguis est vim. Vitae animum nobis est." _

She then looked around. It was smarter to start small she supposed. She stood, listening intently to the sounds of the forest. She was deep enough in the forest to find something interesting. She crept behind a small bush, confident that she'd find something as the forest was heavily occupied by various creatures. What she found there was a tiny niffler, sleeping. She inched closer, but the niffler heard. It sprung up to run away.

"Retinio!" She yelled, and it stopped, trying furiously to escape the spell. She walked up to where it was bound and smeared her blood back over her hands. Then she wrapped her hands around its lithe body.

"_Adficio," _she hissed. The niffler started to writhe violently, but Lily forced it to stop moving. She grabbed at its fur.

"_Adficio." _

The niffler slowly grew weaker, and weaker. However, that was of no concern to Lily as its power—small as it was a small thing—flew into her body, as her words got stronger and her heart beat faster. Then, she forced herself to draw her hands away. The rush of magic from the tiny beast stopped, but Lily could feel strength she hadn't earlier.

She looked down at the thing. It was still alive.

Barely.

~.oOo.~

**A/N: Well, this is Adella for all you guys who missed me! Though you could have guessed by the amazing awesome writing, no? No? **

**So, Lily and dark arts—scary. I'm interested to see where my friends will take this. However, it is a change from Twists and Turns; something we all needed. And I am tired of those stories where Lily looks like a brat and James, a love-sick puppy. **

**And with that I have only one more thing to say. REVIEW! Pleeeease. You would want your favorite author in this round robin to get the most reviews right? I actually am trying to get more reviews than my friends so, REVIEW!**


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